Insight can be worked on

Lack of insight in mental illness is like driving a car with blinders on--the two just do not mix. The problem of insight is a big one, too. What I am referring to is that the mind of the person with mental illness is what is flawed and the mind is also the one attempting to rationalize the situation and find meaning through it all. See the problem?

The good news is that for many people with either schizophrenia, manic depression or major depression, the problem of insight (or the knowledge to know that one indeed has a problem) can be worked on with the treatment team. Another saving grace is that once someone is taking medications regularly, they tend to reflect on the past in a new light--and realize that they do indeed have mental illness.

Luckily, I have wonderful insight into my schizophrenia. Then, the other peice of the puzzle is that, once you know that you have the problem...to reach out and try to find a solution.

Some describe the feeling of insight as both a blessing and a curse, as it bestows somewhat of a guilty or disturbing thought process or mood for the one suffering from mental illness. However, in the case of mental illness in general, insight is indeed more of a blessing than a curse.

The imagination of a sutre mind

The one unique thing that you can say about all people with major mental illness is that we all have unique cases. Mine, for one, is very unique, and is very uncommon among people who are mentally ill. I will give you an example of a very elaborate dream that I had in the coming dialogue. Routinely, I have dreams that are just as intricate and creative, but I also forget them because I do not record them at the time that I wake from the dream, as I am doing tonight.

At the beginning of the dream, Heather and I were invited to a party in New York City around New Year's Eve. The party, as Heather explained it to me, was a three day party.

We get to the party and everything seems fine, although there are huge indoor sports arenas and just enough people to play soccor, (futball as they call it in Europe and around the rest of the world). We commence to play on teams that were chosen based on the color of clothing that we are wearing. I happened to be wearing a blue shirt, so I played on the blue team.

Even as I am playing soccer, I begin to wonder why we are paired up unnevenly--as in everyone from my team has more athletic ability than those on the other team. After the soccer game is over and we brutally win, I suggest another game where we even up the odds against the two teams. Instead of simply pairing the players up based on the color of clothing, I volunteer to be a captain and suggest another well suited gentelman, who I do not know, but played well last game, to be the other captain.

Everyone has a better game, with better competition than last time, but before we finish this game of soccer, a consensous is come to end the game and get back to imbibing alchohol and socializing with the women at the party who were watching from outside the indoor stadium. We all agree to get back to the party, and before too long, we are having fun mingling again.

The next scene comes when Heather leaves to go to the bathroom and I eat some hors' de vors held on trays by four beautiful women. As I speak with these lovely ladies, they begin pushing me towards the couch. I look up to see Heather (my wife in real life and in the dream) and she nods, as if to say that, what is coming--she knows about. One of the ladies with the food in hand, puts down the tray, then proceeds to pull out a syringe with orange liquid found inside. At first, I am stunned as to what she is going to do next, as well as afraid. Then, she finds my shoulder and quickly injects me with this liquid, as she ensures that everything will be ok.

Suddenly, I feel as if I am very tired, but still able to walk and talk with ease. Soon, I forget that I was just injected with a strange substance. The next thing I remember, in the dream, is that I wake up next to Heather in a strange bed. I feel the need to have sex with her, and then that commences right after we wake up....in my dream.

The second day of this saga went pretty quickly, and all I know was there was a side plot that played out, too complicated to mention. It involved lots of money, fake babies, and men and women pulling off masks after representing themselves as people that I should know....in the context of the dream, of course.

Skip to the third day, and here is the kicker. I am sitting at the party still, around a large, conference room table, and I have the feeling that these are the people who wanted something from me just the other night at the party, the ones who made me play soccer and injected me with what I can only guess was truth serom.

After discussing the events of the past two days with the 22 people around the table, they then all say "surprise!" They continue to mention that I am their new Vice President, branch manager, in Frankfurt, Germany and that I am being given the opportunity to relocate to Germany where I would manage the 22 people in my branch, as well as have better hours, so that I could spend time with Tyler (my two year old son), and Heather could stay home with him if she wished to.

So the whole sequence of the dream was a JOB INTERVIEW???? How strange, I thought. When I asked the people in charge of the "party interview" why they had injected me with a strange substance, they simply responded that it was akin to AT&T's perserverence testing and was all part of the interview plan!

Now someone please tell me that I do not have a novelist's imagination under there somewhere??????

To all of those people who are faint of heart

Well, I explained my life insurance problem already and the fact that, since I have schizophrenia, I am virtually uninsurable, right? So today, the life insurance examiner was at our home doing the actually physical exam and medical history for the policies.

I will update you on this issue when I have more information.....right now, it is all up in the air.

Madness and Genius Intertwined?

After thinking about this issue for a long time, I have come to the conclusion that there is some link, albiet a small one, between the two.

I felt paranoid in my Commercial Lending Class yesterday but after getting through that on my own terms and getting some rest, I came to understand the class even better with the help of my medication.

Not too many people understand the lending side of the banks. Obviously, this situation in our economy today make it even more imperative that we understand to whom we are lending and the repercussions of loans going bad.

Some day, I hope to become a lender. Until then, I will work as a Branch Manager and enjoy that role to the best of my ability.

Life Insurance.....they think that we do not need it!

Just as with heart disease, cancer, or diabetes--try to get qualified for life insurance with a major psychiatric disease such as schizophrenia, bipolar or major depressive. It's tough! Being a responsible human being, and holding down a full time job while juggling a mortgage, two year old son and a marriage--all while afflicted with schizophrenia has its challenges. To add to the debacle, getting qualified for something like life insurance, which I am currently trying to do, is really a challenge.

In contrast, my wife is able to qualify for non-smoker preferred rates that are 15 times less for the same coverage in terms of premiums. That is to say that since she does not suffer from a brain disease and does not smoke, she is eligible for much better rates. Considering that I probably will not get approved for any coverage, I feel like I got a raw deal.

A Break from Symptoms, at Long Last

So it has been at least three weeks since my last symptoms and I am loving it! I feel like I can actually function at work, home and play for the first time in a while. While some have constant symptoms of the illness, I feel that my disease plays out in a cyclical fashion. For instance, every four years since 1999 when the illness first came onto me, I have had an episode. And by episode, I mean a constant set of symptoms that does not go away and causes temporary disability for two weeks or more.

But since I am feeling well now, I have no reason to think that it will happen again in another three years (since my last episode was in 2007).

Dreams, Normal or Schizophrenia-Based

I am not, by any means, a dream expert--but I need to say that I have always had an extraordinary imagination. This quality in me has proved to be both a blessing and a curse.

For instance, last night I had a dream last night that I woke up and could not move. However, when I woke up, I was still in the dream, and it was in that dream that I could not move or scream or respond to anything around me--in my dream. After getting past how disturbing it was to experience this, I came to realize that not being able to move or scream when you would like to, is not an uncommon experience in nightmares.

Once I came to accept this fact, and read some innocuous magazine, I was able to fall asleep without further incident or dream sequence.

A Cure is Not As Far Away As You Think

Scientists and Researchers are hot on the trail of curing many different disorders and malodies, and they could come up with a cure for schizophrenia in as little as 10-15 years. Imagine state mental hospitals becoming a thing of the past, or the prospect of someone with schizophrenia living on the streets now--and soon becoming gainfully employed!

Well, I am not sure if the picture is all that rosy, but it is certainly promising that the people in the know have a timeline to shoot for. Even if they could virtually stop all of the symptoms for 50% of those that suffer from serious mental illness, that would be a feat.

For now, though, we still need to rely on our current treatment programs to manage our illnesses--and each case is different. So if you are getting help and have a program to follow, good. If not, see a professional psychiatrist as soon as possible.

More Stress at Work, But I'm Handling it Pretty Well

So I think that I mentioned that my bank is going through a merger at the moment. Well, some view this as a good thing, more growth potential. I'm having some mixed emotions. We are moving toward seven-day-a-week banking which means that I will undoubtedly work some weekends and when I am not working, I will be on call. On a positive note, our branch is going to get a much needed face-lift, with renovations and new amenities.

I have worked for the bank that we are merging with too, which makes it all the much more strange. Actually, I met my wife, who was then my girlfriend at this bank. I always knew from very early on that this was the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That was six and a half years ago and now we have been married for just over two years. While I am very happy with my personal life, my professional life may take on a new leaf soon--including more stress at work. I have been with my bank for three years now--longer than any other company that I have previously been employed at. On one hand, I want to buy in to all of the great things that the executives have to say about the merger and where our company is headed, and on the other hand, something is telling me to get out while you still can.

Life is full of decisions. We all have to make easy and some difficult decisions on a daily basis. Such is life.

Work and Total Loss of Everything Real!!!!

So I am at work at the bank yesterday, and I am feeling more than just a little bit strange. When I say strange, I am having some truly upsetting thoughts. It is 3:40pm and I have to work until 6pm.

Oh well, I think to myself, at least I am not feeling psychotic or paranoid at the moment. Then a few customers came in and I helped them with their banking needs. After they left I almost immediately started feeling overstimulated. Feeling like all the silly little stimuli that are coming at you at one specific moment in time are all important and have special meanings. It is kind of like your natural filter of thoughts about what is around you is broken temporarily. Well, it is about 5:45pm now and I am getting worse by the minute. I am completely helpless to the situation as well as there is no medication available to me at that time as well as no place to lie down.

As expected, I made it until 6pm last evening but just barely! Then the drive home. Not such a good time either. Finally, I made it home after calling my mother and my wife to explain to them what was going on. As soon as I walked into the door at home, I sighed a sigh of relief....now, I thought, I can take my medicine and sleep for a while. By 7:30pm, I was sleeping and when I awoke around 9pm, I was feeling much better. Thank goodness for medication, support system and sleep!

To My Family and Friends

I wanted to take this time to acknowledge my family and friends who have helped me through all the tough times and made my good times great. I couldn't have done it without you and I feel that it is important for anyone to have a support system.

For the most part, I have been feeling really well lately and have not had a symptom in at least four weeks. I attribute most of my success to keeping this blog and sticking to my medication schedule. Also, my sleep has been more restful as the effects of the medication lesson on the drowsy side.

In addition, I have lost ten pounds in the past few months since I have been eating healthy, been taking less medication (under the care of the doctor) and have been increasing how much walking I do after work.

So all in all, life is good!

Return to Normalcy

As my son sleeps, and my wife is at work until late tonight, I am reminded that my life has returned to a normal state lately. I am pleased to have been feeling good lately and am happy to put my psychosis and paranoia behind me--if only for a bit.

My brother is getting married to a wonderful girl in one short year and my sister is going steady with a really nice man. Inlaws usually are hard to get along with but I enjoy my inlaw's company, which also says something about the quality of our families.

If there are any people reading this having a great time right now, or if you are going through an especially tough patch, please feel free to leave your comments on the bottom of this post. I would love to hear from you!

Sleepiness and Sleeplessness

Well, on Monday, I was feeling manic and generally just in a "jazzed up mood" all day. When I took my nightly anti-psychotics, they did not take the edge off of the mania. Not being able to sleep, normally, would make me feel tired the next day, but when you are entrenched in the affective portion of the disorder, you don't miss the sleep much.

I was up until 1:30am on Tuesday morning and then later that morning at around 6:30am, I was up and ready to go. As I said previously, I did not miss the sleep. However, come Tuesday night around 8pm, I decided to head my continuing mania off at the pass. I took my medication an hour early and fell asleep around 9:15pm. Thank goodness!

Keeping a log of your thoughts and emotions is key to your successful treatment by a psychiatrist. An expensive log book is not necessary. Just pick up a spiral notebook or three ring binder to log in your experiences. That way, you can express your concerns to your treatment team in an accurate and concise manner.

The mentally ill and dreams

For those of you who are stricken by a mental illness, you know that dreams can be very real, and have an astounding effect on your psyche.

Last night, I had a nightmare. It involved zombies and mind control and was very vivid with bright colors and damaging images. Well, needless to say, it affected my whole day today. I have been in a sour mood all day with a headache (probably from being awakened for an hour at 4am) and also been in a dark cloud all day. If you happen upon this blog and have had a similar experience to mine, please feel free to comment.

My advice to someone with mental illness in regards to nightmares and their lasting affect on the mind, is that dreams are a sequence of memories and a bit of creativity that the mind puts together in a sequence. Therefore, since there is a memory component, stay away from damaging or upsetting stimuli such as scary movies, thrilling books and/or amusement park hauted houses and the like.

For example, I recently took a vacation and on that vacation I went into not one, but two haunted houses. Now, for someone perfectly normal with an active imagination, this can be damaging. For someone with schizophrenia, like me, it can ruin a whole day from a bad dream. And dreams aren't the only reason to stay away from these stimuli described above. Since people with mental illness generally have unreal fears that the general public would find odd, these images stay with you and causes greater paranoia and depression.

Which part is the disease, which is normal?

As I spend the past few days between work and home life, I have come to recognize that I have been feeling manic and disorganized. Although some of these minor symptoms are part and parcel of the schizophrenia, some are just part of the human experience. Sometimes we think, well, I am feeling down today, and automatically think that since we have depression, it must be part of that disease.

The reason that I don't think that we should jump to conclusions, or self-diagnose too much, is that, on a regular day, someone without any chemical imbalance or chronic illness can feel minor symptoms of mania, depression or psychosis. By saying this, I do not mean to downplay any one's issues with their chronic illness at hand. If you simply cannot function because of these symptoms, it is a problem and you must seek medical attention from a psychiatrist as soon as possible. I have had these debilitating symptoms, from time to time, and have dealt with them with my psychiatrist and on a personal level with medication and the help of my support system.

However, if you are experiencing mild anxiety, or mania, for instance, try to remove some of the stressors from your life before turning to medication or professional help. If you cannot do it alone, seek help. There are many places out there to see someone for just about anything that you are experiencing.

Degenerative Disease?

For many, the question of whether schizophrenia is a degenerative disease is something of a hot topic. There is much heated debate these days in regards to this question.

The answer is not clear and universal to all patients with the disease. Of a few points, we can say for sure, the others, you will have to ask your psychiatrist to get their opinion.

Schizophrenia is, indeed, a disease of the brain--just as Alzheimer's or Parkinson's diseases are diseases of the brain. There is some evidence of brain damage for certain people with schizophrenia, however, for the patient that is compliant with their medication and does not abuse street drugs or alchohol as well, there is very little evidence of long-term brain damage.

Attached are side-by-side brain scan images of someone with a "normal" brain and another with schizophrenia. There are visual defects noticed with those with the disease.

I consider myself very lucky

Lucky is such a sticky term. To some, it may mean that they won the lottery, or landed an attractive girl friend. To me, it rings true that I am lucky to have a great support system in not only my family, but my inlaws as well. In addition to that, I am lucky to be able to work full time, while also being a proud father to my 22 month old son, and a good husband to my wife.

Why don't I just take these things for granted like so many other people in this country? Because, I have schizophrenia. And even if I did not have the debilitating disease, I would still stop and make sure that the people who are important in my life are recognized as such. This is what is important to me. How about in your life?

To Tell or Not to Tell, that is the question!

So, if you do have a mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depressive disorder or bipolar, whom do you tell about it?

The fewer people who know, the better, I say. The people who know that I have schizophrenia are my family, or support system and a few colleagues at work. Don't get the wrong idea, though. It is very important to reach out when you need help. Just remember to reach out to the "right" people. Your psychiatrist can be someone whom you reach out to with issues if they reach a stage of crisis (or if you just need a medication adjustment). I reach out to my family in times where I need to "talk myself down from the ledge," as my mother calls it.

What do I mean by talking yourself down from the ledge? Well, sometimes, as people with mental illness, we get very sensitive to our damaging thoughts and emotions that go through our head. At this point, we need to reach out to someone in our support system, like a close friend or family member, to get help.

Well, what if you do not have a support system? Then it is very important that you acquire an emergency number of a counselor, psychiatrist, or a member of a support group that you attend meetings with (such as schizophrenics anonymous). This person should act as a catalyst for your recovery.

I'm Feeling Better, What Now?

The #1 reason why people are non-compliant with their medication in schizophrenia is because they are "feeling better"--so why take the medication anymore? Because the medication is most likely the reason that you are feeling better in the first place! I urge those with schizophrenia not to go off of their medication unless it is part of their treatment regime under the care of a psychiatrist.

Another important fact to note is that "neuroleptics (or anti-psychotics) are among the safest drugs in the industry." This quote is taken from, what I refer to as the schizophrenic's bible, Surviving Schizophrenia by Torre. The book is a compendium of information compiled to help those suffering from the disease, those caring for those with the disease and all other interested parties.

So, my point is, do not go off medication because you are feeling better. These medications are safe--and your psychiatrist would not have perscribed them to you if the side effects of the medication weren't far out-weighed by the benefits of taking them.

A Smoker Myself, I must admit...

Well, I fall into the statistical model that I layed out below, I am a smoker. Having said that, I do not drink except once in a while, and do not abuse street drugs. Now I know that smoking is the leading cause of preventable death in the U.S. but I do it anyway.

It is probably because I have a problem with how much dopamine (an essential brain chemical) is floating around in my brain. Smoking, and other drugs, have an effect on how much dopamine is in the brain.

More to come soon, stay tuned.

Addictions and Suicide

Allright folks, time for some cold, hard, statistics.

1.1% of the population in the United States has schizophrenia

10% of those with schizophrenia will ultimately commit suicide

70-80% of those with schizophrenia smoke cigarettes heavily

Those are the facts, now let me discect them a little bit.

In the United States, approximately 3 million people suffer from schizophrenia, that's approx 1.1% of America's population over the age of 15. That pales in comparison to the 19-22% of Americans that suffer from depression, however, on the whole, schizophrenia has a worse prognosis. Aproximately 95% of all American families have someone affected with mental illness in thier immediate family. Schizophrenia alone cost approximately $40 Billion PER YEAR. That comes out of the health care system, Social Security Costs, and many other hidden costs.

If you don't believe me that mental illness is real, then consider that in the U.S. population, approximately .8% of people commit suicide. Among people with mental illness, the figure is around 8-11% nation wide. Consider that among the US population, 23% of people smoke cigarettes, but read above to see the stat of how many with schizophrenia smoke. It's real all right.

Just as Diabetes is a Sugar and Chemical Problem...

Could a chemical imbalance cause Diabetes AND Schizophrenia? The answer is a resounding, YES! Just as someone with Diabetes must monitor closely their blood sugar and sugar intake with shots of insulin, a schizophrenic must monitor their chemical imbalance of their brain with medication, sleep and good mental care.

What do I mean by "mental care?" I mean that just as a diabetic must stay away from doughnuts in their diet, a person with schizophrenia must watch out for the stimuli that they take into their minds. They must, also, manage how much stress that their daily activity causes them, their sleep patterns, and stick to their perscribed medication (perscribed by a psychiatrist). And what do I mean by the stimuli that one takes in? Just that, movies, books, and any other media be calm and non-disturbing. For a "normal" person to watch a disturbing horror movie affects the mind, to a person with an already altered sense of reality, it can be especially problematic--leading to psychotic episodes, in extreme cases.

Another very important aspect to mental care is choosing the person who is going to be your 30-mintues-per-month confidant. What I mean is, for anyone who is going through mental illness, it is important to find a psychiatrist (pdoc) that is caring above all, and who is really going to be on your side. In my experience with my pdoc, Dr. Harish Malhotra, he is someone that I actually interviewed to qualify him for the job of taking me into his care. He, himself, is a caring professional who is in my corner. When interviewing a pdoc (and I will get into those people, such as Tom Cruise from the Scientology "religion" who you should not only not listen to, but stand up against), it is important to ask the right questions. These questions are as follows:

How long have you been a practicing psychiatrist?

What experience do you have with schizophrenic patients (bipolar, major depressive as needed)?

Do you treat your patients with the respect to being a team with them in their treatment?

ETC.

Then, after you have made up your mind to see someone in the psychiatry field, check out their prices (if you do not have insurance), and then make a commitment to be a good patient. By being a good patient, I mean you must do some things for yourself--such as taking your medication as perscribed (if you cannot manage to take them yourself, find a parent, sibling, or someone to manage them for you so that you may take them as perscribed by your pdoc), monitor your sleep patterns, and do NOT self-medicate. What do I mean by self-medication? Well, some people with mental illness take it upon themselves to drink alchohol, smoke cannibus, or otherwise abuse street drugs to, what I call, self-medicate or use these chemicals to make themselves feel better. Do not, I repeat, do not do this. This will only make you feel worse in the long term and it counteracts all good judgement on the issue.

The mind, with its many facets

Undoubtedly, the mind is a tricky thing. Hardly anything is known about the innermost workings of the human mind. We all have times when we feel sad, a bit lazy or maybe even sometimes manic. The difference between feeling sad or blue and major depressive disorder, for instance, is that the sadness and depression is unshakable, it does not go away by cheering yourself up.

That is why, my friends, you should never tell someone suffering from depression, bipolar or schizophrenia to "snap out of it!" No. This will only exacerbate the situation and should be avoided. Instead, you should treat their thoughts and emotions with a caring demeanor--not validating their delusions or hallucinations by any means, but acknowledge them in kind. These thoughts and emotions are very REAL to those that go through them on a daily basis.

My Biggest Challenge

Hmmm....my biggest challenge being a professional and having schizophrenia is not the work that I do. No. The biggest challenge is being a family man and a responsible father to my son. He is not even two years old yet and needs a well balanced, healthy family life....and more than anything, he needs a father.

That is why when I feel like there is no hope left for me, when I'm so entrenched in my psychosis and delusions, I take stock in my life and look down at my beautiful, handsome son. My rational mind plays a part here, and this may not be possible for all people with mental illness. However, my medication, paired with a strong rational mind and a wonderful support system, allows me to feel better fast, and get on with life. This does not mean that I do not suffer, I suffer immensly as anyone with a chronic mental illness does. But what I am trying to say is that no matter how hopeless you may feel, "this too shall pass!" Seek out help for yourself, it is not always possible to do it alone.

Sometimes I have the delusion that I am being watched by unseen cameras and people are following me. Well, as frightening as that might sound to you, I tell myself--"Wait a minute, when I'm at work, there are cameras everywhere watching me and those are REAL cameras and I do not feel paranoid at work!" Then, again with the help of some medication, I feel better.

For the schizophrenics reading; there is help available

I have found the best thing to do for episodes of psychosis is to keep talking them out into a group setting. If you can find a schizophrenics anonymous, that's good. If not, however, there is a very helpful website where you can share your innermost delusions, hallucinations or just chat with someone so afflicted like yourself. It is called, simply, www.schizophrenia.com and is free to join and to post ideas, symptoms, and just to chat with others on the site.

For those that just wish to learn about the disease, I suggest that you read a few articles on schizophrenia.com on the left hand side of the page to familiarize yourself with the debilitating disorder.

There are others who might want to use this valuable resource to their advantage--those that have sons, daughters, moms, dads or anyone else that they care about that has schizophrenia. I have not explored sites that pertain to manic depressive disorder (bipolar) or major depression. For those of you with these disorders, I suggest that you read information on www.nami.org. This, too is a valuable resource for those that are, or care for, the mentally ill.

Stigma and how it relates to you and me

There has always been a stigma when it relates to the mentally ill. Just as there is a stigma associated with African Americans (and stereotypes too), there are many ways that people try to grossly categorize people with mental illnesses as "crazy" or "psycho."

Although, sensitivity has grown in the public's eye regarding those afflicted with mental illnesses, there is much that remains to be done. Consider this, twin brothers, one without the use of their legs, and one with schizophrenia. The one without the use of his legs is apparently and obviously handicapped. People will pour out their offers to help the one who is paraplegic whereas the one with schizophrenia, who is just as disabled in a different way, will just be viewed by others as a sad, crazy mental case and no help will be offered. People are afraid of what they cannot see, by nature. Therefore, people with schizophrenia are labeled as someone that we fear--those that are "crazy."

Let's take it from the top

Have you ever wondered just how many mentally ill people there are around you at all times? Just as there are those with cancer, emphysema and chronic headaches, there are people with schizophrenia, bipolar and major depressive disorders all around you. And although many think that if you are "crazy," you are either locked away in an institution or out on the streets living as a homeless person, this is just not true of a majority of those afflicted.

Well, here's the beginning part of my story. I'll take you through a journey of madness while living a "normal life" with a wife, young child, mortgage, full time job and the like. Juggling all these things can be tricky while afflicted with schizophrenia. However, with the right support system in place, a strong and insightful mind and a bit of luck, you can perservere....and even make it look seamless to the observer that you would not want to know your secret.

As I sit at my desk this morning, I have already survived some hallucinations. As I looked out the window about an hour ago, the birds seemed to be screaming, car horns blasting as they passed by on the highway adjacent and people speaking to me yelling at the top of their lungs. None of this was really that dramatic to the observer, it is just that my senses were on overload.

It's a good thing that my career is at the point that it is (an Assistant Vice President, Branch Manager of a bank) or else I would not have a place to have some solace while I am at work--my office.