The imagination of a sutre mind

The one unique thing that you can say about all people with major mental illness is that we all have unique cases. Mine, for one, is very unique, and is very uncommon among people who are mentally ill. I will give you an example of a very elaborate dream that I had in the coming dialogue. Routinely, I have dreams that are just as intricate and creative, but I also forget them because I do not record them at the time that I wake from the dream, as I am doing tonight.

At the beginning of the dream, Heather and I were invited to a party in New York City around New Year's Eve. The party, as Heather explained it to me, was a three day party.

We get to the party and everything seems fine, although there are huge indoor sports arenas and just enough people to play soccor, (futball as they call it in Europe and around the rest of the world). We commence to play on teams that were chosen based on the color of clothing that we are wearing. I happened to be wearing a blue shirt, so I played on the blue team.

Even as I am playing soccer, I begin to wonder why we are paired up unnevenly--as in everyone from my team has more athletic ability than those on the other team. After the soccer game is over and we brutally win, I suggest another game where we even up the odds against the two teams. Instead of simply pairing the players up based on the color of clothing, I volunteer to be a captain and suggest another well suited gentelman, who I do not know, but played well last game, to be the other captain.

Everyone has a better game, with better competition than last time, but before we finish this game of soccer, a consensous is come to end the game and get back to imbibing alchohol and socializing with the women at the party who were watching from outside the indoor stadium. We all agree to get back to the party, and before too long, we are having fun mingling again.

The next scene comes when Heather leaves to go to the bathroom and I eat some hors' de vors held on trays by four beautiful women. As I speak with these lovely ladies, they begin pushing me towards the couch. I look up to see Heather (my wife in real life and in the dream) and she nods, as if to say that, what is coming--she knows about. One of the ladies with the food in hand, puts down the tray, then proceeds to pull out a syringe with orange liquid found inside. At first, I am stunned as to what she is going to do next, as well as afraid. Then, she finds my shoulder and quickly injects me with this liquid, as she ensures that everything will be ok.

Suddenly, I feel as if I am very tired, but still able to walk and talk with ease. Soon, I forget that I was just injected with a strange substance. The next thing I remember, in the dream, is that I wake up next to Heather in a strange bed. I feel the need to have sex with her, and then that commences right after we wake up....in my dream.

The second day of this saga went pretty quickly, and all I know was there was a side plot that played out, too complicated to mention. It involved lots of money, fake babies, and men and women pulling off masks after representing themselves as people that I should know....in the context of the dream, of course.

Skip to the third day, and here is the kicker. I am sitting at the party still, around a large, conference room table, and I have the feeling that these are the people who wanted something from me just the other night at the party, the ones who made me play soccer and injected me with what I can only guess was truth serom.

After discussing the events of the past two days with the 22 people around the table, they then all say "surprise!" They continue to mention that I am their new Vice President, branch manager, in Frankfurt, Germany and that I am being given the opportunity to relocate to Germany where I would manage the 22 people in my branch, as well as have better hours, so that I could spend time with Tyler (my two year old son), and Heather could stay home with him if she wished to.

So the whole sequence of the dream was a JOB INTERVIEW???? How strange, I thought. When I asked the people in charge of the "party interview" why they had injected me with a strange substance, they simply responded that it was akin to AT&T's perserverence testing and was all part of the interview plan!

Now someone please tell me that I do not have a novelist's imagination under there somewhere??????

To all of those people who are faint of heart

Well, I explained my life insurance problem already and the fact that, since I have schizophrenia, I am virtually uninsurable, right? So today, the life insurance examiner was at our home doing the actually physical exam and medical history for the policies.

I will update you on this issue when I have more information.....right now, it is all up in the air.

Madness and Genius Intertwined?

After thinking about this issue for a long time, I have come to the conclusion that there is some link, albiet a small one, between the two.

I felt paranoid in my Commercial Lending Class yesterday but after getting through that on my own terms and getting some rest, I came to understand the class even better with the help of my medication.

Not too many people understand the lending side of the banks. Obviously, this situation in our economy today make it even more imperative that we understand to whom we are lending and the repercussions of loans going bad.

Some day, I hope to become a lender. Until then, I will work as a Branch Manager and enjoy that role to the best of my ability.

Life Insurance.....they think that we do not need it!

Just as with heart disease, cancer, or diabetes--try to get qualified for life insurance with a major psychiatric disease such as schizophrenia, bipolar or major depressive. It's tough! Being a responsible human being, and holding down a full time job while juggling a mortgage, two year old son and a marriage--all while afflicted with schizophrenia has its challenges. To add to the debacle, getting qualified for something like life insurance, which I am currently trying to do, is really a challenge.

In contrast, my wife is able to qualify for non-smoker preferred rates that are 15 times less for the same coverage in terms of premiums. That is to say that since she does not suffer from a brain disease and does not smoke, she is eligible for much better rates. Considering that I probably will not get approved for any coverage, I feel like I got a raw deal.

A Break from Symptoms, at Long Last

So it has been at least three weeks since my last symptoms and I am loving it! I feel like I can actually function at work, home and play for the first time in a while. While some have constant symptoms of the illness, I feel that my disease plays out in a cyclical fashion. For instance, every four years since 1999 when the illness first came onto me, I have had an episode. And by episode, I mean a constant set of symptoms that does not go away and causes temporary disability for two weeks or more.

But since I am feeling well now, I have no reason to think that it will happen again in another three years (since my last episode was in 2007).

Dreams, Normal or Schizophrenia-Based

I am not, by any means, a dream expert--but I need to say that I have always had an extraordinary imagination. This quality in me has proved to be both a blessing and a curse.

For instance, last night I had a dream last night that I woke up and could not move. However, when I woke up, I was still in the dream, and it was in that dream that I could not move or scream or respond to anything around me--in my dream. After getting past how disturbing it was to experience this, I came to realize that not being able to move or scream when you would like to, is not an uncommon experience in nightmares.

Once I came to accept this fact, and read some innocuous magazine, I was able to fall asleep without further incident or dream sequence.

A Cure is Not As Far Away As You Think

Scientists and Researchers are hot on the trail of curing many different disorders and malodies, and they could come up with a cure for schizophrenia in as little as 10-15 years. Imagine state mental hospitals becoming a thing of the past, or the prospect of someone with schizophrenia living on the streets now--and soon becoming gainfully employed!

Well, I am not sure if the picture is all that rosy, but it is certainly promising that the people in the know have a timeline to shoot for. Even if they could virtually stop all of the symptoms for 50% of those that suffer from serious mental illness, that would be a feat.

For now, though, we still need to rely on our current treatment programs to manage our illnesses--and each case is different. So if you are getting help and have a program to follow, good. If not, see a professional psychiatrist as soon as possible.